When, Where and How One Should Use an iPad

We have an iPad: now what? After all the launch buzz is over, after all starving trolls are finally tired of bitching about it, what’s really left of it? At the end of the day, how, where and when one should use an iPad?

Stand back and rejoice, we have the ultimate guide for that:

1. In The Subway

If it’s crowded keep it with both hands just above your head. Loudly play a hip hop video and shake it loose, seventies style. Look for chicks with iPhones and smile numbly. If you’re lucky, they’ll notice you got something really big going on, and they’ll want to check it out. Once you start the conversation, switch your iPad to iBooks and show her that you know the alphabet. If she blushes, you’re on the right path. Fire up the Facebook app, in iPhone mode (she’ll think you’re modest if you’re only using a quarter of the screen) and ask for her friendship. From here, you’re on your own. It’s only an iPad, it can’t do THAT for you!

2. Business Meetings

Put a nice chart made with Numbers ($9.99 in AppStore) on it and flip it constantly upside down. Look how the chart always stays the same and be amazed. If your meeting partner is your boss, ask for a raise based on a pretty obvious fact: “we’re ready for everything, boss, even if we’re going down, we’re still going up, just look at the numbers. They’re always the same, right?”. If your meeting partner is a client, let him play a little with the toy, then tell him you have his fingerprints now. And finally, if your meeting partner is one of your employees, let him know you’re on top of the situation by whispering in a very low voice: “that’s the next best thing since Solitaire…”

3. Hiking

Put it on the top of your backpack and every time you need to know your location, do the following: take out your iPhone, fire Google Maps and find out where you are. Then, take a nice picture of the map (that would be the “home” + sleep button at the same time). Next, sync it with your MacBookPro and then look for your new snapshot in iPhoto. Disconnect the iPhone and connect the iPad. Make sure you check out “sync to iPhoto”. Once synced, look for the last photo of your current location in your iPad and start pinching it until it’s full screen. Then draw a circle on the ground, put your iPad vertically in the middle of it, look at the shadow and see the exact time. Congrats: now your know exactly where and when you are.

4. Bathroom

You will need iFart for that. Pretend you’re having an emergency and lock yourself in the bathroom. Fire iFart on your iPad, then take out your iPhone and start playing your preferred game (earphones are compulsory, of course). After 10 minutes, if you’re having an average family, they’ll start to get worried. Raise a little the volume on the iPad and mumble. After half an hour, or when you got bored of playing (whichever comes first) you can stop iFart, switch off the iPhone and prepare to get out of the bathroom. Just to be sure, start iBooks on the iPad and look like you’re wasted. When they ask if you’re ok, don’t say anything. Stubbornly refuse medication and/or counseling.

5. In The Park

Find a nice picture of a playing card, be sure it stretches on the entire screen of your iPad and then start searching for other iPad owners. Of the opposite sex, preferably. When you find somebody, show him/her the 9.7 inch playing card and ask him/her if he/she doesn’t want to build a playing card castle. Take the other iPad and try to make a triangle, by placing both of them vertically, with the top edge supporting each other, screen on the outside. Now, if the other iPad doesn’t have a playing card picture on the screen, it will look ugly. Try sending one via WiFi, Bluetooth or email, whichever works first. Then wait for other iPad users. Repeat until it gets dark. Then go home.

Tagged as: apps, iPad